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I wanted to live
so I wore my clothes inside out until death lost the scent

I’ve wanted to rest
so instead of counting sheep
I count my battle scars backwards until they amount to nothing

I wanted to be loved
but without a compass or a map
just two black skies and one delicate flame

I wanted to be loved
but my skin smelled of graphite
from all the poems I haven’t written
and all the love I pretend I haven’t made

I wanted to die
but hope hounded me and hunted me down and holds me hostage

and I thank her

When I wanted to leave
I just made myself unbearable enough to be deserted
when I wanted to be wanted
that’s when I pushed everyone away

I wanted to eat the sun
be consumed by lightning
ride in the canyons of creation and learn what it means to be free

so now

I do only what I love

I wanted to be a king
so I met with other kings
but kings just protect thrones
and I’d rather be a fisherman
listening to the wind
watching the currents
reading constellations like brail
hand outstretched to the glimmer
telling stories to the sails
half-hoping the fish are smarter than me

I wanted a better face
so I made love to the moon

and we looked like polished granite

I’ve been tormented by fire run aground
and frozen out
and all I’ve learned

is to dress for the occasion

I wanted to love
but hate paints such a vivid picture sometimes

I wanted to be me
so I travelled the world searching for everything that I’m not
and still finding pieces of me there

I wanted to forget
but I couldn’t remember which memories were still haunting me
until they returned

I wanted to die
but the sky was too big to hold

so here I am again